Dealing with grief and loss

We encounter grief and loss at various stages of our existence. This can be from divorce, loss of a loved one, breakup in a relationship, loss of a job or simply moving from a place you called home to another.

So, what is grief? It is a natural reaction to loss that makes one feel numb and unable to carry out their daily activities. It is personal and the level of grief depends on the importance of the issue or person lost.

Physical and emotional symptoms of grief

Emotional symptoms include:

  • Sadness
  • Shock
  • Guilt
  • Anger

We often think that grief is emotional but it has physical effects on your body. They include:

  • Fatigue. The emotional effects of grief is taking a tall on your body and you constantly feel tired without an apparent reason.
  • Nausea. Taking anything will make you feel nauseated and will tend to avoid taking anything.
  • Lowered immunity. When you don’t take good care of your body because you are not eating well, your immunity will be compromised.
  • Weight loss or weight gain. This comes because of the fact that you don’t eat well but in some cases one may eat too much because of stress
  • Aches and pains.general body aches and pains such as headache because you are not in a position to take good care of yourself.
  • Insomnia. This symptom is common among many people undergoing grief. They find it hard to fall asleep and end up being sleep deprived.

The five stages of grief

One may not necessarily go through all this stages or even in that order. But this are the known stages of grief;

Denial. In this stage you can’t believe that it actually happened to you.

Anger. You become so angry and ask yourself why that is happening to you. You want answers of why and who is responsible.

Bargaining. You ask for the pain to go away in exchange you will do something else. You would rather do something else than feel the pain you are feeling at the moment

Depression. The pain is not going away and you just feel too sad to do anything at all. You just want to lie down and do nothing.

Acceptance. You finally acknowledge what happened and you feel better about yourself.

5 ways to deal with grief and loss

  1. Acknowledge your pain. Being in denial will only make the situation worse and slow the healing process. Some people choose to numb the pain and this gives them the illusion that they are okay and healed but sooner or later they are bound to break down. Acknowledging the pain is the first step of healing.
  2. Be aware that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions. By knowing this you avoid feeling worse when something triggers you and you feel like you have not made any progress in your healing process.
  3. Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you. People are different and when it comes to grieving process everyone deals with it differently. Some cry uncontrollably while others barely cry at all but deal with pain in other ways and may seem not affected. Just because your is that way it doesn’t mean you are not strong enough.
  4. Seek out support from people who care about you. Having a support system is very important in the grieving process. This will ensure that you don’t feel alone and aggravate the situation.
  5. Take good care of yourself physically. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in the pain take a walk, do what makes you happy, exercise and strive to eat healthy foods. Not doing anything at all will only make the situation worse as you would feel useless.

Toxicity: 8 Signs you are in a toxic relationship

Relationships are meant to be enjoyable and fun but in a situation where you find out you don’t find joy or constantly under stress, then there is a problem.
They say ‘love is blind’ but when you become aware of your environment and understand the Dynamics of a healthy relationship, it is not that hard to spot an abnormality.

This article will point out a few common pointers of a toxic relationship.

8 signs you are in a toxic relationship

1. Constant suspicion and mistrust

It is normal to experience jealousy in a relationship but it becomes a problem when it gets to the extreme. This can stem from the fact that your partner is a ‘serial cheater’ so one is constantly worrying that he/she is cheating consequently leading to mistrust.

2. Poor communication

Good communication is the connerstone of any relationship. Couples should be able to speak freely about any issue without fear. In a toxic relationship one is always careful and would often avoid difficult issues because their partner will not take it well.

3. Controlling behaviors

They would always want to know where you are or what you are doing at all times. It may seem romantic at first but it gets to a point you nolonger do anything without seeking permission. Victims always end up being prisoners to a toxic individual.

4. Ignoring your needs

Everyone has needs whether emotional, physical or financial. In a toxic relationship, you will find that your needs are not given any attention as it is deemed irrelevant. For example you would wish to go for a vacation but he suggests you go to his/her friends for a party because that is what they need.

5. Low self esteem

This often arises from the fact that your partner is constantly critizing everything about you. From your mode of dressing, body shape or even your opinions and thoughts.

6. Constant conflicts

Conflicts are common in relationships but in a situation where you just cannot seem to talk about anything without arguing even just what to eat for lunch, that is unhealthy. You are never on the same page on anything.

7. Disrespect

This can range from shouting at you when in public to ridiculing you in private. Respect is very important in a relationship as it determines how your partner will treat you. Without respect they can even slap you in front of your friends without an apparent reason.

8. Physical abuse

No matter the situation physical abuse is never to be tolerated in any relationship. The abuse usually starts small and then escalate to thorough beatings that sometimes lead to death. If your partner can afford to physically assault you then that is not a healthy relationship.

It should be noted that when someone finds such issues in a relationship they should discuss it with there partner and find a solution but in a situation that nothing is changing just walk away.

Are you rigid? Benefits of having an open mind

We have often interacted with people who would rather ‘die’ than listen to a contrary opinion. Our parents are a good example, it is almost impossible to introduce something new to them. Having a conversation with them is very hard because they stand firm by what they believe in. This trait is associated with people who are close minded. So who is a close minded individual? This is a person not willing to consider a different opinion or idea.

Open-mindedness which is the opposite of closed-mindedness is very important for our wellbeing. Some of the character traits associated with an open-minded individual include:

  • Good conversationalists
  • Excellent listeners
  • Not judgemental
  • Lack biasness
  • Understanding

This article will highlight the importance of having open-mindedness in our day to day activities.

Benefits of practicing open- mindedness

1. Important in decision making

Before making a decision about an issue one must ensure they get all the facts and weigh them for a good judgement. keeping an open mind will always come in handy. Before electing your preferred leader in an election they would always campaign and sell their agenda and manifesto so that you can choose who you see fit for the position. Just imagine being close minded how will you be able to make a good decision? Always strive to keep an open mind and not choose someone because you believe they are good. Listening to those you might not like at first may change your perception of them.

2. Personal growth

Personal growth can only happen when one is willing to learn new things and ideas. Having an open mind will ensure that you listen to other people’s opinions and in the process make adjustments to what you already had. What we believe to be right may not always be right and therefore listening to what other people have to say enables us identify where we are going wrong and correct our mistakes.

3. Healthy and long lasting relationships

Inorder to mentain a healthy relationship, accommodating each other’s opinion and ideas is very important. Your relationship with your spouse, family, friends and even workmates depends on how open minded you are. This is because everyone will be comfortable sharing their opinions without fear of it being ignore.

4. Avoid unnecessary conflicts

We have all come across that one person who forces their ideas and opinions on others to the extent they get violent. Exercising open mindedness will limit conflicts as people will disagree to agree on a healthy manner. In the long run, they will all be satisfied even if they don’t agree. Healthy conversations are important for peace and harmony to reign.

5. Important for career development and growth

Having an open mind will always create good relationship with your workmates consequently you will be able to learn new ideas and tricks that will kickstart your career growth journey. Willingness to learn is very important to avoid stagnation . We are living in a society that is constantly changing, technology is the new norm. Having an open mind will ensure you are taking in new information and adjusting how you do things in your workplace.

6. Improves your intellectual ability

Being ready to take in new information and ideas will increase your knowledge basket. Most people who are deemed intelligent are often open minded. You can hear something new and instead of dismissing the information you go ahead to find out more.

7. Have new experiences

There is a phrase saying ‘just because you have not travelled you will always think your mother is the best cook’ This is equivalent to a close minded person. Having an open mind will enable you to explore and have new experiences. Trying out new staff is intriguing and you can find new hobbies or new favorite dish.

Having an open mind is an important practice and everyone should strive to achieve it at all cost but one should be careful to avoid cognitive dissonance. Are you open- minded?

Emotional outburst: how to control your emotions

We have all found ourselves in a situation where we can’t control our emotions. It’s perfectly normal to experience overwhelming emotions ranging from extreme happiness to extreme sadness and anger but a problem comes in when one cannot control these emotions leading to imbalance. We have witnessed families hacking there family member with a machete to death because they are not happy, this can be because according to them they got a larger share of land compared to theirs consequently triggering them to be violent.

How you handle rejection or betrayal from a loved one is a trial of how you have mastered the art of controlling your emotions. Choosing to walk away quietly as apposed to being verbally or physically violent shows that you can actually control the flash of overwhelming emotions.

Knowing how to control emotions is very important for our wellbeing. Individuals who have difficulty controlling their emotions tend to create conflicts among friends and family and would often resolve to using substances such as marijuana or alcohol to help them overcome how this emotions make them feel.

It is important to note that feelings are never to be surpressed but regulated. This is because surpressing may affect your overall mental well being.

Steps to overcome overwhelming emotions

1. Take a deep breath

At the first instance you feel your emotions building up, just take a deep breath as this will help you control yourself and take a step back from the overwhelming flash of emotions and extreme reactions at an impulse.

2. Label your emotion

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you find it hard to control, ask yourself ” what am I feeling right now?” Are you sad, frustrated or disappointed. Labelling your emotions is the first step in finding a solution.

3. Look back at what actually happened

Analyzing the situation that led to this state is very important. Instead of rushing and reacting try to re-evaluate what actually happened. For example You ask your husband for a pair of shoe you have been dying to own but they keep saying there is no money. In this scenario you will feel angry and would want to react in a manner that would affect your marriage. Stepping back and actually analyzing the situation will help you understand it better.

4.find out if there is a different explanations of what happened

Sometimes extreme emotions clouds judgement. Striving to find out the actual explanation of what really happened will provide closure and salvage a situation that would have otherwise created conflict. Maybe you are just over reacting because of the thoughts you have created yourself.

5. Understand the reactions triggered by your emotions

You need to ask yourself “what do I want to do about these feelings?”. The reaction can be texting back something rude or physically attacking someone. Knowing what you feel like doing will help you stay on top of the game as you will be able to control yourself from doing something that will create more harm.

6. Know how to cope with your emotions

Always find alternatives to cope with your emotions. Instead of reacting instantly distract yourself by watching a movie or a funny video or just take a walk. You are not surpressing your feelings but giving yourself more time to rethink the whole situation.

Habits you may find helpful in taming your emotions

  • Know when to express yourself. Learn to understand your environment and know when it’s appropriate to express yourself. For example you just can’t explode on your boss because of unfair treatment.
  • Always find space either physical or mental. Learn to walk away from from a triggering situation or person or distract yourself by watching a movie.
  • Keep a mood journal. Make it a habit to write down what you are feeling as this will help you discover patterns that are triggering you.It also helps you get the real picture of what happened by providing a deep reflection on your feelings.
  • Stay on top of stress. Always ensure you are not under stress as this adds to sensitivity to instances that may not deserve major reaction.
  • Talk to a therapist. In a situation where you have tried everything but can’t seem to control yourself visit a therapist so as to know if there is more than meets the eye in your mental health.

Is crying good for your health? Reasons why it is a good idea to cry

An image of a man crying.

Crying is a natural response to a range of emotions, varying from deep sadness or grief to extreme happiness.

Most African communities associate crying with weakness consequently causing their men to avoid crying at all cost. This has caused many to pile emotions creating a ticking bomb that is bound to explode sooner or later. Research has discovered that more women than men cry when under pressure.

6 reasons why you should Cry

1. It helps in self soothing. Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The PNS helps your body rest and digest food.

2. Reduces pain. Long periods of crying releases oxytocin( numbs the pain) and endorphins( gives the calming effect) which are feel good chemicals that ease emotional and physical pain.

3. Helps to build up your social support network when the going gets tough. When you cry you let others know you are not okay and would therefore use their support. It improves interpersonal relationships.

4. Restores emotional balance. We often cry when our emotions go to the extreme inorder to create equilibrium. These emotions can vary from extreme happiness to extreme sadness.

5. Helps in dealing with grieve. The lose of a loved one is one of the hardest thing to come to terms with. The emotions that come with it is overwhelming and it sometimes pushes people to depression. Crying is one way of soothing the pain and expressing how you actually feel.

6. Detoxifies the body. There are 3 types of tears reflex, continuous and emotional tears. Reflex tears clear debris from the eyes( smoke and dust), continuous tears create lubrication and protect the eye from infection and lastly emotional tears is mostly made up of stress hormones to relieve stress and pain.

Even though crying is considered good for your health, in a situation where one cries frequently without an apparent reason it is an indication that there is a problem somewhere and one should seek medical attention.

Who is a narcissist? 5 signs you are dating one

A narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves according to Oxford dictionary. Personality qualities include thinking very highly of oneself, needing admiration, believing others are inferior and lacking empathy for others

5 Signs you are dating a narcissist

1.They are very charming when you first meet. Your relationship at first feels like a fairy tale, everything is perfect. He/she makes you feel special by complimenting everything about you.If someone cames on too strong at the beginning of a relationship, be cautious. Being lusted feels good but genuine love has to be nurtured and grown overtime.

2. They lack empathy. Empathy is the ability of one to put themselves in your shoes and try to understand how you actually feel. Narcissist lack this quality and often never pay much attention to how the other person feels. In a situation where they offend you, they never apologize because they don’t understand how much their action affects you. This also makes it difficult for them to take responsibility for their own behavior.

3. They rarely have close friends. It is common for people with narcissistic traits to have frequent conflicts with others.They are very jealous and possessive and would get angry if you hang out with your friends consequently causing you to abandon your friends and end up lonely.

4. They often gaslight you.This is a psychological manipulation into doubting ones own sanity. Often narcissists seek to gain power and control youby distorting reality and forcing you to question your own judgment and intuition. They would abuse you and twist things to make appear that you are too sensitive.

5. Constantly pick on you. It begins as a tease but later escalates to saying mean things to make you feel bad about yourself. He/she will criticize how you dress or your reasoning so as to make you feel inferior. By doing so they feel powerful at your expense.

Is she into me? 10 signs she loves you

Have you been eyeing a lady and wondering if she feels the same way about you? Some men find it hard to understand women and end up not spotting signs that they like them back.

This article will give you signs to be on the look out for inorder to know if what you are feeling is mutual. Here are the 10 most common and universal signs that she might be into you.

10 signs she loves you

1. Fidgets/ plays with her hair. This is because she is nervous around you and that is a good sign. Whenever you are around her she doesn’t know what to do and starts playing with her hair, nails or even touching objects close to her.

2. She notices you and smiles. This comes naturally because she likes you. Smiling sheepishly when you talk to her or sit next to her is a sure sign she is feeling your vibe.

3. She initiates touch and physical contact. She will find a reason to touch you and this can be in the form of resting her head in your shoulder when you are seated next to her or Giving you a lingering hug.

4. Highly motivated to look for you and spend time with you. You must agree that asking a girl out is a hard task because they play hard to get often. If she easily agrees to go on that first date without you sweating, then you have already found a way into her heart.

5. Texts first. We can all agree that chances of a girl texting first is very rare but if she initiates conversations with you to the extent she texts first, Congratulations you have been noticed.

6. Showing you her silly side. Girls will always strive to portray a calm sophisticated side of her. If she does silly staff around you like singing loudly to her favourite music not minding how she sounds or dancing around she is comfortable around you and doesn’t mind you seeing the other side of her.

7. She teases you. Teasing is a low-risk way to catalyze the intimacy of a conversation since it allows people to get into personal staff while still keeping things on the lighter side.So, take note if a woman is ribbing you about your football team or tickling you,there is a high chance she likes you.

 8.Her friends and family know about you. Many people are shooting their shots at her and therefore she will only tell her friends about you when you are special to her. If her friends already know about you even before meeting them, you are lucky she is obviously considering you for a relationship.

9.She opens up to you. She will tell you every little detail about her life. Being comfortable to confide in you is a clue she is into you and will always encourage you to do the same by asking about your life.

10. Interested in your dating life. If you find her inquiring about your dating life then that is a clue she is into you. She will also ask about your female friends and how often you interact with them.

How much do you know about phobia?

An image of a lady in distress

We often hear people say they have a ‘phobia’ but how much information do you have about phobia. Maybe that extreme fear you experience toward something can be cured. Being uncomfortable and panicking all the time can be the worst feeling ever.This article will enlighten you about some of the common types of phobias that exist and symptoms to look out for inorder to know if you are suffering from one.

What is phobia?

Phobia is an extreme fear or dislike of a particular thing or situation, especially one that is not reasonable according to the Cambridge dictionary.

Even though phobia can be genetic, in some instances it is caused by previous experiences for example being attacked by a dog can make one experience extreme fear of dogs.

10 most common types of phobias

1. Nyctophobia – This is the extreme fear of the dark. Individuals with this Phobia tend to sleep with lights on.

2. Cynophobia – This is the fear of dogs. We have all come across people who are extremely afraid of being close to dogs even though they do not show interest of attacking them.

3.Acrophobia – Extreme fear of heights. This fear causes them to avoid high grounds such as mountains, tall buildings or Bridges.

4. Hemophobia – Fear of blood. The sight of blood scares many but people suffering from this Phobia cannot stand blood completely.

5. Social Phobia/ social anxiety disorder – This is the extreme worry of social situations. This individuals tend to avoid social situations.

6. Astraphobia – Fear of storm. During thunderstorms the loud sound of thunder will cause this individuals to panic even though nothing will happen to them.

7. Claustrophobia – This is the fear of tight or closed spaces e.g elevators

8. Arachnophobia – Fear of spiders. People suffering from this Phobia experience alot of discomfort just by the sight of a spider.

9. Androphobia – This is the extreme fear of men. This individuals panic when around anyone masculine.

10. Glossophobia – This is a Phobia associated with public speaking. Standing in front of an audience will cause the person to sweat or experience a racing heart.

Symptoms likely to experience

One may experience one of the symptoms or a combination of this symptoms. They include:

  • Racing heart
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Rapid speech/ inability to speak
  • Profuse sweating
  • Dry mouth
  • Lightheadedness
  • Stomach upset

Though people can live well with this phobias, in some situations it becomes extreme and interferes with ones day to day activities. It is at this stage that you a visit to the doctor is important for therapy or provide medication where needed.

Sex and relationship

This is a topic of contention. Many people confuse sex with love but come to think of it if someone in a relationship does not ask for intimacy are they really inlove with you? What is the role of sex in a relationship? Can a relationship exist without intimacy?

Most times we have heard people complain to have been dumped after sex well if sex is important what went wrong? Other times people leave relationship because they have been denied intimacy so does it mean that those individuals view sex as a key factor that hold a relationship?

According to some, Sex can be an important part of a relationship, but having sex less frequently does not always mean your relationship is any less satisfying. I know you are asking yourself what does sex contribute to a strong relationship? You are in the right place.

The oxytocin released during sex enhances a sense of bonding and improves emotional intimacy. Bonding is very vital for any relationship to withstand its challenges. This is probably the reason why it’s hard for people to move on after a break up. Now you know the reason you are still thinking about your ex.

Sex increases your level of commitment and emotional connection with the other person consequently increasing the likelihood of couples staying together. This must be the reason why it’s hard to move on from a person you already had intimacy with as compared to a person you were never intimate. Think of it this way, you can easily end a friendship and not think twice but when it comes to relationship it’s hard to walk away.

Research has come up with other benefits of sex including increased levels of happiness as it reduces irritability level, reducing stress levels and is also a form of exercise among many others.

Even though we give much credit to sex for a stable relationship, there are other ways of building a strong relationship. You can give him or her sex day and night but they will still walk away reason being there is more into a relationship than sex. Helping each other achieve goals is very important in any relationship. This is because it brings you closer to each other and makes you feel important.

Engaging in recreational activities together as a couple is another form of creating a lasting bond. In the process you create memories that will last for a very long time.

Lastly, what you contribute to a relationship depends on what you agree on. Being in a relationship blindly will ruin what would have been a good relationship. Communication is very important so as to know what your partner plans to achieve from dating you.

Understanding karma

We have often heard people associate a misfortune that befall someone to karma but do we really know what karma is all about? This article will help shed light on its meaning, origin, and its core principles, known as the 12 laws of karma.

What is karma?

According to the Cambridge dictionary it is the force produced by a person’s actions in one life that influences what happens to them in future lives.

Many religious traditions notably the Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) place reward and punishment for human actions in the hands of a divine lawgiver. 

karma in Indian religion is the universal causal law whereby good or bad actions determine the future of an individual’s existence. Karma also represents the ethical dimension of the process of rebirth, a belief generally shared among religious traditions of India. 

The doctrine of karma implies that one person’s karma cannot have an impact on another person’s future. Meaning that it cannot be shared but only the individual will face the consequences.

The laws of karma include:

1.The great law / the law of cause and effect. According to this law, whatever thoughts or energy you put out, you get back good or bad. For example if you give out love you will get love in return.

2.The law of creation. It outlines the importance that life doesn’t just happen to us do inorder to make things happen, you need to take action.

3. The law of humility. this law is based on the principle that you must be humble enough to accept that your current reality is the result of your past actions.

4. The law of growth. It looks at the things you can’t control and how you deal with accepting your fate. To positively shape the world, it starts with yourself.

5.The law of responsibility. It’s a reminder that you own what happens to you in life.

6. The law of connection. This law is based on the principle that everything in your life, including your past, present, and future, are connected.

7. The law of focus. Encourages you to concentrate on one thing at a time.

8. The law of giving and hospitality. You must give to the things you believe in. This law helps you understand the importance of your actions, reflecting your deeper beliefs.

9. Law of here and now. To experience peace of mind, you have to embrace the presen. This can only happen when you let go of negative thoughts or behaviors from the past.

10. The law of change. According to this principle, history will continue to repeat itself until you learn and take steps to do something differently to stop the cycle.

11. The law of patience and reward.To generate change in the future,we must be consistent in our karmic deeds today.

12. The law of significance and inspiration.According to this law, every contribution you make will affect the world. You possess a specific gift, mission, and purpose that only you can bring into the world with your uniqueness. Sharing your unique skills and gifts is why you’re here.