Relationships has always been part and parcel of our lives and the most common one is romantic relationships. We are all guilty of wanting to be loved and appreciated but what happens if that love fades away?
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At the beginning of any relationship, the love is top notch you cannot get enough of each other. Distance does not prevent you from talking to each other thanks to the availability of phones. Conversations happen till wee hours of the night and you sleep happy.
The main agenda is how to have a future together, because you feel like finally you have found the perfect match. The topic on the number of children you both desire to have never misses in those conversations. At that stage, love is beautiful, you feel satisfied and thank God for giving you your partner.
Months go by fast and you start to notice some changes. You nolonger talk for long hours, they seem distant and they don’t give you the royal treatment anymore. You decide to ignore because you have come too far to give up but things start getting out of hand. They yell at you on slight provocation.
Everytime they shout at you, they kill your joy. You are nolonger happy like before because you feel bad about the situation. In some instances they are violent and hit you over a small misunderstanding but they apologize later and make you feel that they did not mean it, you provoked them. Slowly by slowly the situation escalates and you are trapped.
They kill you slowly by slowly. They don’t want to let you go but they don’t want to treat you right. Your mental health has deteriorated and you are just a shell of your previous self. Its safe to say that you are a walking corpse. They have managed to squeeze the life out of you.
Worse still, the violence has matured to full blown fight between life and death. They nolonger care if you die. Your body is full of bruises that remind you how you are unwanted. You feel that they enjoy tormenting you and watching you fade away slowly. Sadly, they don’t want to let you go.
It is sad to see people suffer in the hands of people they once trusted with their lives. That one person who made them feel safe. If you are not interested in someone anymore just walk away, don’t kill them physically or mentally. When the spark has faded away, leave them intact when they still have life left in them.
To what extent should family members go when it comes to determining who you should relate with? Is it protection or are they just controlling?
From childhood our parents have always determined who we should befriend depending on how they feel about them. In most cases they do not care about your feelings.
This situation spills over to when one is an adult and starts engaging in romantic relationships. You will agree that most people always hide their partners and keep their relationship secret away from the scrutiny of other family members because they are afraid of their opinion.
However,they will have to face the “family committee” eventually. The most crucial stage of any relationship is when one officially introduces their partner to the family and kinsmen. This has never been a walk in the park. The family will make their judgements on whether the marriage will proceed or go separate ways.
Even if you survive and you are given greenlight to continue, you are not safe. In most African traditions, the son is always given a portion of the family land to settle in and that is where meddling and sometimes sabotage of the marriage begins.
This makes me wonder should family just stick to giving guidance and advice and let one make the decision of who they should interact with?
When one becomes an adult and starts a family, should family retreat from interfering until a situation where there presence and guidance is needed?
We are all familiar with the feelings that come with parting ways with someone we wanted to spend a lifetime with. The emotional turmoil experienced can’t be described.We eventually reach a place we can describe as healing but do we really “unlove” them completely?
What if we never forget about them the way we would want to? What if our lives change forever? We can’t deny the fact that they will always influence our future choices in one way or another especially when it comes to subsequent relationships.
We have witnessed people who separated for years getting back together no matter how nasty the break up. This scenerio has me wonder, what is that force that kept them from drifting away for good? Is there something about romantic relationships that we have yet to discover? In some instances people have continued to have secret affairs with their ex partners.
We can’t deny that sometimes we experience jealousy that comes with finding out your ex is doing good with someone else despite the fact that you yourself already moved on. Some may argue that it’s the memories they shared that binds them together but according to my understanding you can have better memories with someone else but still have your Ex in mind. What is that aspect of your previous relationship you can’t let go?
That awkward feeling you experience when you find yourself in the same place with someone you dated is unexplainable. One will be so anxious and uncomfortable the entire time for no reason. Most people prefer to maintain physical distance even if it means relocating to somewhere far as long as they never cross paths.
Whether we like it or not, we will always have a soft spot for someone we once had a romantic relationship with even though sometimes we mask it with hatred depending on what transpired. Fragments of love we once had for them will live in our hearts whether we like it or not.
The main reason for leaving a relationship is to be happy and find peace of mind but do you know deciding to end it abruptly may cause more harm? Some end up choosing to go back to lessen the agony that comes with leaving a relationship prematurely.
Dettaching from people we once cared about and loved is one emotional roller coaster that often may lead to depression and severe emotional pain. Saddest thing about the pain that comes from heartbreak is that there is no pain killer that can help numb the pain. I have always wondered why scientists have not come up with a capsule to help relieve the pain, am sure they will make a kill from the sell since many people are suffering in silence .
There are many reasons that may force one to chose leaving a relationship. Little known to many some parents are very toxic and will often find ways to cause pain to their children. Am sure this explains that distant uncle or aunt you have always wondered why they don’t associate with their parents. In other scenerios we have very controlling friends that won’t let you be and will always find ways to frustrate you. Lastly, romantic relationship which is a major cause of emotional suffering especially when you have lots of good memories.
Learning how to handle the situation they put you through is a game changer. Emotional distancing yourself from their actions is a skill that can only save you. Over a period of time what used to upset you nolonger bother you at all. When you find yourself no longer yelling, questioning or getting upset by things that would often trigger you, you are ready to leave. That is where you now apply the physical distance. Walking away at this stage will be much easier because you took time to heal first.
What many do not know is forgiving yourself is easier than expecting an apology that may never come from someone else. We always get into relationships voluntarily and understanding that you somehow contributed to what is happening to you is important. what do I mean? Actions by other people do not affect as much as from those we chose to be close to us. For instance insults from a mere friend will not hurt as that from your partner. Accepting that you contributed to your suffering by chosing them will make it easier to move on.
Overall emotional dettachment may take some time but it is good to be smart about it. You don’t want to find yourself questioning if you made the right decision leaving. There is a saying ” A good dancer knows when to leave the stage.”
Many people experience emotional abuse on a daily basis and the saddest part is most of them are not aware. The perpetrators are often people close and trusted by the victims. The most common type of emotional abuse in many relationships is ‘gaslighting’. How well do you understand gaslighting? Do you even know what it is? Well, this is a situation where gaslighter or perpetrator distorts reality and make their victim question their judgement of the situation at hand.
This form of emotional abuse is common in abusive relationships which may include controlling friendships, romantic relationship and even among family members. some of the common words used by the perpetrator include “I’m sorry you think that I hurt you” or “You’re crazy and other people think so, too” among many others.I know by now you are wondering what the pepetrator plans to achieve from using this technique of emotional abuse. well, power over the victim is what they desire.
How does gaslighting work? Some of their tactics consists of discrediting you by spreading rumours about you to others, belittling your thoughts and feelings by insinuating you are over reacting or you are too sensitive, blame shifting making you believe you are the main reason they behaved the way they did, they pretend to care about you while telling others you seem emotionally unstable, lying about what actually happened even if you have proof and they often change subject when confronted eventually making the victim second-guess the importance of what they were trying to talk about.
Being able to spot you are being gaslighted is hard but there are signs that can help you know that what you are going through is not right. If you find yourself doubting your feelings and reality,afraid to express yourself because you are not sure about your judgement of what happened or you are nolonger confident and often apologize over everything you do then you are being gaslighted. Other signs include feeling trapped and isolated, struggling to make decisions on your own and confusion because you don’t know what to believe.
In most cases this form of emotional abuse makes the victim feel powerless and inferior. Other effects consists of loss of self- esteem, uncertainty of ones mental stability, confusion, dependency on the perpetrator and the victim starts to question the validity of their own thoughts.
It is very difficult to overcome this kind of abuse because most of the time the victims are not aware of what is going on. There are ways of dealing with the situation so as to be in control. Making sure you save evidence by keeping journals or saving text messages will reassure you that what you are talking about is true. Setting boundaries such that you make it clear what you accept in the relationship and what you don’t is another way of curbing the situation. Finally, you can just end the toxic relationship to avoid further damage on your mental health. Consult a doctor if you feel overwhelmed since it often takes a tall on ones daily relations and decision making.
Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we can’t tell if he loves you. Being uncertain will always bring about insecurities and we would always strive to find out if they actually feel the same way. The fact that you are thinking about it stems from you loving them already and would like to know if you mean something to him.
This article will focus on words commonly used by men in love. This will serve as a pointer towards knowing if you are ‘the one’ or you are expecting love from someone who does not even have feelings for you.
8 words he would use if he loves you
1. I love you
These are very powerful words in any relationship, whether you are starting off or you have been dating for a while, a man who loves you will always say these words. He might not say it right away probably because he is afraid of scaring you or he is contemplating the right time to say it but either way if he loves you he will eventually say it. It is a major red flag if he never says those words at all. One very important thing to note is, does he personalize the words? For example unapendwa( you are loved) and nakupenda( I love you) are two different things. Personalization of the words will indicate that that is what he actually feels about you and not general words.
2. How are you feeling
This shows that he cares about you and he is interested to know how you are doing. He is curious about what you are thinking and would love to know more about you. Sometimes you note that in the beginning of the relationship he would ask and then he eventually stops, well, you might me the problem. The response you give influences if he will ask again or drop it. For example you reply by saying “am good” Everytime he asks with time he will stop because it’s not yielding the results he anticipated.
3. I am on my way
When a man loves you, he will always feel the urge to come to your rescue. You tell him you are not doing fine or you have a problem he will always find a way to help you out even if it means dropping what he was doing and coming over to help you. In some scenerios maybe he is not able to come over but he will ensure that he gives you a solution or compensate as soon as he can. For example your car broke down and you call him, he will come over to take care of the situation or send someone over if he can’t make it himself.
4. Talk to me
Communication is a very important component in any relationship and him taking time to communicate with you signifies that he enjoys talking to you and would love to bond. If he calls you often it means he enjoys listening to you and it makes him happy just talking to you. You might not have anything important to talk about but those small boring details of your day interest him then he actually loves you.
5. I want to make you happy
Men would naturally strive to see the one they love happy, we have seen some sacrifice the little they have just to make her happy. He would always look for ways to ensure that you are happy because they are happier when she is happy. The effort they put into this is what signifies that they value and love you. For example buying gifts for her or even giving her financial support to ensure that she does not struggle.
6. We, Us
This words signifies that he is including you in his plans and you are a team. A man who truly loves you will always strive to make you parts of his plans and when talking about them he will use the words “we” or “us” rather than “I”. For example “I want us to move to a new house” and not “I want to move to a new house”. Being keen on the words he uses while making his plans will inform you of your position in his life.
7. She is my girlfriend/ wife
If he puts a label on your relationship then you are safe, he loves you. Never ever make assumptions that just because you do things what a boyfriend girlfriend do he is your boyfriend. It is very important to hear him say that and get the words straight from his mouth. There are instances where she makes an assumption that he is her boyfriend without him saying and when it comes to a situation where she tries to hold him accountable, he is like ” who said am your boyfriend?”
8. I need to see you
A man who loves you will always want to spend time with you. He will always strive and yarn to be close to you whether it is over at his house on going out on a nature walk or a date. It is a red flag if he never asks you to visit him or only asks for your presence when it’s convenient for him. He might be busy but trust me someone who loves you will fit you into their schedule. No one is ever too busy to see the one they care about.
It is important to note that he might not use the exact words but something close to that. There are some situations where he may find it hard to express himself probably because of previous experiences but that should never be an excuse. Don’t forget that he is also human and he is not perfect. What are your thoughts?
It is so annoying to lose contact with people we were attached to simply because they never pointed out what they actually needed. There is nothing as hard as figuring out what you might have done to lose them.
Your relationship or marriage is in the verge of collapsing just because you don’t say what you actually feel or want. Constant fights with your partner has become a norm and trust me one person is clueless of what is actually happening. Men have been victims for a very long time. We put too much pressure on them to figure out what the lady wants or else there will be no peace. Come on, he is not a mind reader if you want something just ask.
You feel wronged by a friend, instead of holding grudges why not talk about it? Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding. Why harbor hate over something that can be solved? True friendships are hard to come by now days treasure it. People make mistakes and should be given a chance to redeem themselves especially if they were not aware they wronged you.
Family is very important but since we nolonger take time to talk about issues that led to conflicts we ghost each other. No one is perfect, your parents may have unknowingly done something that made you unhappy but since you don’t want to talk about it the bond is broken. You will hear someone say they hate their mother because of what she did to them while they were young. Come to think of it, she may not remember that or even know the impact her actions had on you. It will not cost you anything to talk to her about it.
Neighbors nolonger live in harmony because hatred has build up over time. Your clueless neighbor is wondering why you nolonger say hello when you meet reason being you heard they gossiped about you. Why not approach them and get facts it will bring closure on what really transpired.
Communication is key in everything we do. Once in a while we are bound to make mistakes whether knowingly or unknowingly. Learning to speak up will save us the trouble of hating people we love and holding grudges over minor issues. Carrying a heavy heart is one of the hardest burden to carry.
Relationships are meant to be enjoyable and fun but in a situation where you find out you don’t find joy or constantly under stress, then there is a problem. They say ‘love is blind’ but when you become aware of your environment and understand the Dynamics of a healthy relationship, it is not that hard to spot an abnormality.
This article will point out a few common pointers of a toxic relationship.
8 signs you are in a toxic relationship
1. Constant suspicion and mistrust
It is normal to experience jealousy in a relationship but it becomes a problem when it gets to the extreme. This can stem from the fact that your partner is a ‘serial cheater’ so one is constantly worrying that he/she is cheating consequently leading to mistrust.
2. Poor communication
Good communication is the connerstone of any relationship. Couples should be able to speak freely about any issue without fear. In a toxic relationship one is always careful and would often avoid difficult issues because their partner will not take it well.
3. Controlling behaviors
They would always want to know where you are or what you are doing at all times. It may seem romantic at first but it gets to a point you nolonger do anything without seeking permission. Victims always end up being prisoners to a toxic individual.
4. Ignoring your needs
Everyone has needs whether emotional, physical or financial. In a toxic relationship, you will find that your needs are not given any attention as it is deemed irrelevant. For example you would wish to go for a vacation but he suggests you go to his/her friends for a party because that is what they need.
5. Low self esteem
This often arises from the fact that your partner is constantly critizing everything about you. From your mode of dressing, body shape or even your opinions and thoughts.
6. Constant conflicts
Conflicts are common in relationships but in a situation where you just cannot seem to talk about anything without arguing even just what to eat for lunch, that is unhealthy. You are never on the same page on anything.
7. Disrespect
This can range from shouting at you when in public to ridiculing you in private. Respect is very important in a relationship as it determines how your partner will treat you. Without respect they can even slap you in front of your friends without an apparent reason.
8. Physical abuse
No matter the situation physical abuse is never to be tolerated in any relationship. The abuse usually starts small and then escalate to thorough beatings that sometimes lead to death. If your partner can afford to physically assault you then that is not a healthy relationship.
It should be noted that when someone finds such issues in a relationship they should discuss it with there partner and find a solution but in a situation that nothing is changing just walk away.
We have often interacted with people who would rather ‘die’ than listen to a contrary opinion. Our parents are a good example, it is almost impossible to introduce something new to them. Having a conversation with them is very hard because they stand firm by what they believe in. This trait is associated with people who are close minded. So who is a close minded individual? This is a person not willing to consider a different opinion or idea.
Open-mindedness which is the opposite of closed-mindedness is very important for our wellbeing. Some of the character traits associated with an open-minded individual include:
Good conversationalists
Excellent listeners
Not judgemental
Lack biasness
Understanding
This article will highlight the importance of having open-mindedness in our day to day activities.
Benefits of practicing open- mindedness
1. Important in decision making
Before making a decision about an issue one must ensure they get all the facts and weigh them for a good judgement. keeping an open mind will always come in handy. Before electing your preferred leader in an election they would always campaign and sell their agenda and manifesto so that you can choose who you see fit for the position. Just imagine being close minded how will you be able to make a good decision? Always strive to keep an open mind and not choose someone because you believe they are good. Listening to those you might not like at first may change your perception of them.
2. Personal growth
Personal growth can only happen when one is willing to learn new things and ideas. Having an open mind will ensure that you listen to other people’s opinions and in the process make adjustments to what you already had. What we believe to be right may not always be right and therefore listening to what other people have to say enables us identify where we are going wrong and correct our mistakes.
3. Healthy and long lasting relationships
Inorder to mentain a healthy relationship, accommodating each other’s opinion and ideas is very important. Your relationship with your spouse, family, friends and even workmates depends on how open minded you are. This is because everyone will be comfortable sharing their opinions without fear of it being ignore.
4. Avoid unnecessary conflicts
We have all come across that one person who forces their ideas and opinions on others to the extent they get violent. Exercising open mindedness will limit conflicts as people will disagree to agree on a healthy manner. In the long run, they will all be satisfied even if they don’t agree. Healthy conversations are important for peace and harmony to reign.
5. Important for career development and growth
Having an open mind will always create good relationship with your workmates consequently you will be able to learn new ideas and tricks that will kickstart your career growth journey. Willingness to learn is very important to avoid stagnation . We are living in a society that is constantly changing, technology is the new norm. Having an open mind will ensure you are taking in new information and adjusting how you do things in your workplace.
6. Improves your intellectual ability
Being ready to take in new information and ideas will increase your knowledge basket. Most people who are deemed intelligent are often open minded. You can hear something new and instead of dismissing the information you go ahead to find out more.
7. Have new experiences
There is a phrase saying ‘just because you have not travelled you will always think your mother is the best cook’ This is equivalent to a close minded person. Having an open mind will enable you to explore and have new experiences. Trying out new staff is intriguing and you can find new hobbies or new favorite dish.
Having an open mind is an important practice and everyone should strive to achieve it at all cost but one should be careful to avoid cognitive dissonance. Are you open- minded?
THE UNSPOKEN 